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Table of contents

• Complete Show List!
• Punk Rock and Coffee July
• DOC Trounson Kauri Park Campground, Dargaville, North Island, New Zealand
• Record of the Week

Is your music imaginative? Or all of the above? Use colorful phrases, use anecdotes. Your guitarist hung from the scaffolding by his knees. Your vocalist punched someone.

The bassist disappeared after the show and reappeared three days later. Press queued at your feet and kissed your ring. Ditto with interviews. My dear sweet Jesus, bands can take the whole interview thing so bloody seriously. Yes, you are being asked questions. You are an entertainer goddamit. Pick up a metal magazine these days and try and read all the interviews in it from cover to cover. Got a tour on the way and want to promote it? If you do that flared jean stoner rock shit, tell everyone that your set drips with so much sex that people shag in the moshpit and you average three pregnancies for every show.

T ell people something interesting.

Complete Show List!

It is boring, because media and a bollockload of the public have seen those phrases a million times already. I will track you down and murder you with my bare hands.

Admittedly, it can be hard to give interesting answers in some interviews. Nothing to do with us. None of us can write for shit anyway. A band may hand responsibility for the more boring activities over to a willing label or PR agent. But ultimately, YOU are responsible for the impression you create and it is in your interest to pay attention to how you are being represented. What would you do if the press photographer wanted to put you all in clown suits and pose you at the local ice rink?

Nothing to do with us, none of us can take photos? What do you do when the bio that the label writes for you is so incredibly fucking boring that you, a metal fan who loves your own band, falls into a coma while reading it?

Say oh well, none of us can write anyway? A band knows the impression they are trying to create better than anyone. That is what your music does, when you drill down to it…. Everyone that you work with is a tool to assist you in creating that impression. A band is the CEO and everyone who works for them does so at their implicit instruction. If someone is trying to make you look like a dick in a photo shoot or video, try and advise them as to what a better alternative would be. If they persist, tell them to fuck off.

Seeing as though labels usually rely upon unpaid fresh-out-of-school interns to write bios you can usually do a better job yourself. Bands who refuse to confront people offering shoddy work on their behalf are lazy. If your label is misrepresenting you, speak to them.

We have hours of footage from the Berzerker days of yelling at Earache on the phone. We told them with the first album not to use the masks in the artwork, and made huge efforts to supply them with the album cover artwork. The masks were to be a huge surprise when we played live and between the strobe lighting and smoke we were supposed to be barely seen when onstage. Earache went behind our backs and plastered the US release with pictures of the masks.

Cue a big forehead slap from us and Luke screaming at them so loudly they could have probably heard him in England without the phone. It took years to undo that mistake and for a lot of our dedicated audience to find us. How to do an interview How to write a bio. This came at the end of six months or so of dragging our song-and-dance show around the world through numerous stressful incidents, crashes, death threats, and last-minute bandmate replacements. I was exhausted, I wanted to go home, and I had already decided to leave the band as a full-time occupation.

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I considered the band to be my full-time job from joining in through to Music was my priority. Our label did not have the business nous to push us in the brave new digital age, and seemed to want to ignore us and their grind roots in favour of more indie bands. They no longer thought of themselves as a metal label. Any money made by the band went straight back into the band, there was almost no percentage finding its way back to our pockets.

We had ignored the rule of small business: pay yourself first, everyone else later. Devin stared at me silently and his facial expressions said it all: they went from incomprehension, to disgust, then pity. Everyone lived on fast food and beer. No-one was making much money. They were mostly miserable. Legends like Napalm Death were in share-houses and had day jobs to go back to when they were off tour.

Sure, bands like Immolation had their shit together enough to make some decent paydays on national tours, but even they were back to work when the tour was done. And there was never a point where tours ran smoothly without the need for screaming at people, threatening others, and rolling with the various scams and fuckups that the industry would throw at you.

I clearly remember when Matt and I told Luke we were done touring.

Record of the Week

We were halfway through the US tour of and Luke asked if we were up for doing an Arch Enemy national support tour back in the US after the European tour was done. Eventually I bit the bullet and said, no, the european tour will be it for me. Matt broke off from one of his vast silent staring-at-nothing moments to add that he was finished as well. I half expected Luke to blow up but he took it pretty well.

So when it came time for the European headline tour, I knew it was probably going to be my last ever full overseas tour. The tour was organised by Earache Records to showcase us and two other Earache bands, Corporation and December. At first this sounded like a good idea: cut out the lying cheating booking agents and tour managers, and run everything directly between the label and the bands. Naturally, the tour turned out to be a pile of shit.

In what has to be the most stunningly trusting move in music industry history, the promoters for each venue were paid and provided promotional materials in advance. This resulted in absolutely no promotion being done and all the promotional materials getting binned. In one or two cases, the gigs were cancelled and the promoter tried their luck at holding onto the money. Additionally, the posters were done with the trendy new Earache logo and were fluorescent pink-orange in colour so they looked like they were advertising a happy-trance danceparty.

We arrived the day before tour and stayed with the Earache Press Chick from the time. I had been sunburned the day before in Miami and I was already starting to blister and peel and look fucking horrifying. I was actually looking forward to hiding away in the mask for once. I remember we chatted in the kitchen for a bit. They were obviously the best new prospect the label had going at the time. The band gave one more album to Earache and left the label just over a year later.

The Earache Press Chick asked us and the other bands to keep a tour diary, so the label could keep doing press updates with various diary excerpts during the tour. It sounded like a good idea. When it became apparent mid-tour that these diary pieces represented more promotional effort than the promoters themselves were making, we became less enthused.

I kept writing it anyway as my bile needed to spill out somewhere, and just recently I found it on an old hard-drive that decided to start working again.

Here it is below, with updates where I expand and digress on anything that needs expanding. We were anonymous in those days. Those entries have been updated to avoid confusion. Hell, he only got his passport the day before…true Berzerker drummer style!